A lot of things have been happening lately. Besides the start of the new semester and adjusting to a schedule change, I’ve also come out of the dark so to speak.
I’m gonna go off on a tangent (I know what you’re thinking- already? lol), but it will all make sense in the end, so bear with me. Hopefully you’ve seen the movie Benchwarmers because you will understand where I’m coming from with this. An awkward yet hilarious character by the name of Howie is depicted throughout the entire movie as being 1.) afraid of the sun (natural light) and 2.) afraid of most people.
Now, I can relate to the first one, but not so much the second. These past few months I’ve been afraid of the Light. It was like I enjoyed not caring about my relationship with Christ, even though I knew that’s what was making me miserable. I searched, yet I rejected truth that I found. I read, but felt no need to take heart or apply what I was reading. It was a constant battle. I knew what I should be doing, but for some reason, I didn’t want to do it. I was happy being unhappy, which was REALLY weird for me, because I’m not normally like that…I’m sure most of you know that.
Anyway, I was afraid to go back to the Light. I guess I was more ashamed or embarrassed that if I did, He wouldn’t want me. It was like if I did run to Him, I would be “giving up” or “giving in” because I wasn’t strong enough on my own.
Gradually, as I began to realize that I obviously couldn’t live this life on my own, I began seeking His face once again in little ways. Maybe a Christian book here. A prayer there. Some scripture if I felt like it. Nothing hard core, to say the least. And, I’m still not back to where I want to be, where I used to be. You know that old saying, “If you’re not moving forward, you’re sliding backwards.”? I figured (in this period of darkness) that if I wasn’t moving forward, I would just stay in my place. WRONG.
Praise God for mercy and grace, for everlasting love that sees past my stupidity and embraces my potential. I am forever indebted to my wonderful Savior who took my life and once again reminded me of redemption, a gift so sweet that each time it really sinks in, I can hardly believe it myself.
In Howie’s words, “I used to think the sun was evil, but now I know it’s not.” : )